To our great joy, a couple of months after I was called as Relief Society President we found out I was pregnant again. We were so thrilled beyond imagining. If you recall from my other post, almost a year prior I had an ectopic pregnancy in which I lost my right tube. Because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy, the doctors ran labs to ensure my hormone levels were rising appropriately and at 8 weeks I had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was in the right place.
Everything went great at that first visit. We saw a good strong heartbeat of our little peanut. I wasn't all that sick during this pregnancy, but figured that must mean I was having a girl. I had experienced very little morning sickness with Princess Ballerina. At my 12 week check-up we were to do the ultrasound study to check the nuchial folds on the baby's neck. DH was out-of-town again (this time South America), and they asked if a student tech could observe the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly and I could see her frown. She quickly shut off the sound, and I asked again, "There's no heartbeat again, is there?"
How could my world come crashing down again so quickly?
This time seemed harder. Though I have faith in my Father in Heaven's plan for me, I still wondered, "Why?" The grief physically hurt. There were moments when all I could do was just breath. I had only told a couple of people about this baby. The last time I had announced we would be having a baby, and just days after losing the baby we went to a nursing home we volunteered at, and I was asked, "How is the pregnant mommy?"
I had to answer, "Not pregnant anymore."
Susan, my counselor in the Relief Society was absolutely wonderful. She took charge of things going on and let me focus on being home with my other children. I spent a day or two just crying and sleeping and crying some more--grieving my babies whom I would not get to hold.
I also did a lot of praying and writing in my journal. Even though I was suffering in my own way, I still felt Heavenly Father and Jesus' love for me.
It was through turning to Heavenly Father and our Savior that I made it through that sad time. I had to keep trusting that they have a better plan for me than I had for myself. When talking to my sister I told her I didn't feel strong enough to handle this. She told me, "You are strong enough and Heavenly Father knows it. He blessed you with strength to handle this. You just need to find it." She encouraged me to keep turning to the Lord.
I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that lift and strengthen. A hymn, a smile from my sweet child, a note from a dear friend--all these things came just when I needed them.
My faith that I can do hard things when the Lord is on my side increased.
I also found that in losing myself in service to others I was able to put perspective on things. I am not the first, nor the last to have gone through miscarriages. I have also been lucky in that I experienced them after I already had five beautiful children. It took us a while to become pregnant with C1-Firstborn, and I think that had I experienced loss then it would have been even harder because I wouldn't have known if I would ever be a mother.
Serving others who have less, who are sick or who are struggling with family situations harder than mine reminded me just how much I do have.
If you are feeling down or heavy with your own burdens, find someone else you can help. I promise you it will help you put things into perspective and give you a good feeling to know you've helped someone else.
It's been a couple of months since our last tragedy and I've been keeping busy with activities for my other children and serving the members of our church congregation. My parents visited with us briefly and that helped too. Right after their visit we took a family vacation--something we haven't done in three years. We badly needed it. Finally, I've set a goal to run a 5k in the fall. I run with two other women in the morning and they are a huge boost to me.
I am grateful for each day that I have with my loved ones. Each day is a gift and though it is sometimes hard to remember that, I do know it is true.
Go hug some more people, okay?