To our great joy, a couple of months after I was called as
Relief Society President we found out I was pregnant again. We were so thrilled beyond imagining. If you recall from my other post, almost a
year prior I had an ectopic pregnancy in which I lost my right tube. Because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy,
the doctors ran labs to ensure my hormone levels were rising appropriately and
at 8 weeks I had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was in the right
place.
Everything went great at that first visit. We saw a good strong heartbeat of our little
peanut. I wasn't all that sick during
this pregnancy, but figured that must mean I was having a girl. I had experienced very little morning
sickness with Princess Ballerina. At my
12 week check-up we were to do the ultrasound study to check the nuchial folds
on the baby's neck. DH was out-of-town
again (this time South America), and they asked if a student tech could observe
the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech put
the wand on my belly and I could see her frown. She quickly shut off the sound,
and I asked again, "There's no heartbeat again, is there?"
How could my world come crashing down again so quickly?
*******
This time seemed harder.
Though I have faith in my Father in Heaven's plan for me, I still
wondered, "Why?" The grief
physically hurt. There were moments when
all I could do was just breath. I had
only told a couple of people about this baby.
The last time I had announced we would be having a baby, and just days
after losing the baby we went to a nursing home we volunteered at, and I was
asked, "How is the pregnant mommy?"
I had to answer, "Not pregnant anymore."
*******
Susan, my counselor in the Relief Society was absolutely
wonderful. She took charge of things
going on and let me focus on being home with my other children. I spent a day or two just crying and sleeping
and crying some more--grieving my babies whom I would not get to hold.
I also did a lot of praying and writing in my journal. Even though I was suffering in my own way, I
still felt Heavenly Father and Jesus' love for me.
It was through turning to Heavenly Father and our Savior
that I made it through that sad time. I
had to keep trusting that they have a better plan for me than I had for
myself. When talking to my sister I told
her I didn't feel strong enough to handle this.
She told me, "You are strong enough and Heavenly Father knows
it. He blessed you with strength to
handle this. You just need to find
it." She encouraged me to keep
turning to the Lord.
I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that lift
and strengthen. A hymn, a smile from my
sweet child, a note from a dear friend--all these things came just when I
needed them.
My faith that I can do hard things when the Lord is on my
side increased.
I also found that in losing myself in service to others I
was able to put perspective on things. I
am not the first, nor the last to have gone through miscarriages. I have also
been lucky in that I experienced them after I already had five beautiful
children. It took us a while to become
pregnant with C1-Firstborn, and I think that had I experienced loss then it
would have been even harder because I wouldn't have known if I would ever be a
mother.
Serving others who have less, who are sick or who are
struggling with family situations harder than mine reminded me just how much I
do have.
If you are feeling down or heavy with your own burdens, find
someone else you can help. I promise you
it will help you put things into perspective and give you a good feeling to
know you've helped someone else.
It's been a couple of months since our last tragedy and I've
been keeping busy with activities for my other children and serving the members of our church congregation. My parents visited with us briefly and that
helped too. Right after their visit we took a family
vacation--something we haven't done in three years. We badly needed it. Finally, I've set a goal to run a 5k in the
fall. I run with two other women in the
morning and they are a huge boost to me.
I am grateful for each day that I have with my loved
ones. Each day is a gift and though it
is sometimes hard to remember that, I do know it is true.
Go hug some more people, okay?
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