Happy Mother's Day!

I got the best present in the world. My sweet Baby Girl made it here safely. She was a little over nine ponds and was 21 1/2" long. My hypertension has not completely subsided, but I hope it will soon.

The amount of drama near the end of my pregnancy was probably fitting for the dramatic start with how much morning sickness I had. Without going into too many details let's just say I made four trips to the hospital before she was born. One of those was for pregnancy induced hypertension. 

It's never boring in our lives.  :D

In any case she is finally here and she is beautiful!

Getting Ready for Baby

My in-laws will be coming out to visit and help with the baby soon. They plan on being here for a week or so. The bad news is about two weeks after we are due, DH has to go out-of-town on a trip that has been planned for a year.

To prepare myself for that, I've been putting together freezer meals and cleaning and decluttering. My laundry room is cleaner and more organized than it has been in years. I went to the dollar store and got some bins for the shelf to hold various cleaning supplies. I labeled those so we know what is in them. I swept and sort of scrubbed the floor (it's kind of hard being this big).

I also got some smaller containers to hold my spices. I can now pull the basket out, find what I need and put it back. I also grouped my most used spices into one basket and labeled it as well. Now finding what I need is easy.

I've got the baby clothes clean and put away, the portable crib/bassinet set up in my room... I think we are close to being ready. I just have to talk to the doctors about how far over my due date they'll let me go with my history of big babies.

The doctor's visit is tomorrow--wish me luck!

Difficult Year Part II

Difficult Year Part II--Dealing with Grief

I left off my last post having found out I had lost our baby after an ectopic pregnancy.  Most likely our baby had Trisomy 18.  This time I had seen our baby move.  I saw the heartbeat.  I loved (love) that baby with all my heart.  

The next day C1 was in a geography bee at school.  I went to cheer him on, but it felt hollow.  It felt like the world should be stopping so I could grieve.  

My husband was across the world in China when I called him from the doctor's office.  Even though there was nothing he could do physically to bring our baby back, he cut his trip short and came home.  He got home on my birthday, which was two days after I found out we had miscarried.  When he walked in through the door I just melted into his arms and sobbed.  

We talked and talked about our options.  In the end we scheduled a  d&c for the following week.  I could not bear the thought of my baby accidentally being flushed down a toilet.  In truth, I was still having trouble accepting I had lost another baby, and so I asked the doctor to check for a heartbeat one more time before they removed the baby.  They checked, put me to sleep and I woke up after everything was done.  

I still cry thinking about it.  

**********

Turning to my Father in Heaven helped me get through the grief.  In my past, I've had experiences where I thought I knew what my family and I should do.  My husband's job was, at one point, going to take him to Florida for over a year.  Rather than commuting, we thought about renting our home out and renting another in Florida.  I kept trying and trying to make it work.  The arrangements kept falling apart.  My dear sister wisely asked me, "Have you prayed about this?"  

In truth I hadn't.  I figured reuniting my family was a good thing.  Eliminating the need for my husband to travel was a good thing.  That's why I pressed forward.  

When I finally humbled myself enough to pray about the matter, we received inspiration that the children and I should stay put.  I didn't understand why, but trusted in our answer.  That year Florida was hit with four hurricanes and where we would have been living would have required us to evacuate at least three times while I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Princess Ballerina.  I would have had to do this with three boys six and under who had (though I didn't know it) autism and one in particular that gets terrified of big storms.  

Though having a traveling husband while I was pregnant had its own challenges, I feel grateful for that experience that showed me in very definite, concrete ways the Lord knows better than I do.  

 Always.  

And I should add that my DH (dear hubby) was always able to get on a plane back home to us before any storm hit.  Blessings indeed.

*********

A month or so after my miscarriage I was met  with our ecclesiastical leader for my temple recommend.  (Everyone is welcome to worship in our chapels--whether you are a member or not--but in order to enter the temple--our holiest buildings--you have to be interviewed by ecclesiastical leaders)  At that time  I was asked if I would accept the call as the next Relief Society president.  In our church we all volunteer to serve.  Where we serve comes through inspiration to those entrusted with the stewardship or "keys" for a given unit.  The Bishop is the head of our local unit (or ward) and he has the responsibility to receive inspiration on where individuals serve.  He has two counselors who help him in decisions and management of the unit.  They (the bishopric) work with other auxiliary leaders.  Those auxiliaries are: High Priests Group and Elders Quorum (the adult male groups), Relief Society (all adult females), Sunday School (gospel instruction for the second hour of church for all individuals over 12), Young Men's (males between 12 and 18), Young Women's  (females between 12 and 18) and Primary (children 18 months to 12 years).  Each group has a presidency (a president and two counselors) who have the responsibilities of helping their designated group.  The presidents (or a counselor if they cannot come) meet with the Bishopric and others in a ward council to discuss the welfare of the members.  The Primary presidency is always composed of females.  

As I mentioned, Relief Society is the women's organization in our church.  My responsibility would be to help look after the physical (temporal) and spiritual needs of the women in the ward.  I would also meet with families who needed assistance and help assess what needs the church could help meet as well as counsel /guide/direct/point them in the right direction to gain skills they could use as well. 

I chose two wonderful women whom I didn't know very well at the time to be my counselors.   Susan and Katie.  Susan had been a Relief Society president in the past and she taught me so much.  Katie was younger than I though still a mother of four. 

The first couple of months that I was Relief Society president, there were three funerals in our ward.  I was able to use my own very personal and very raw experience with grief and the comfort I found in the Lord to help others in their time of need.  Though none of us can understand the suffering the Savior went through in the Garden of Gethsemane, the scriptures teach us:

 Alma 7:12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

My Savior endured unimaginable agony as He made the Atonement , and He did it because He loves me, and so He would understand how to lift and help each of us, and because it was part of our Heavenly Father's plan to help us all return to them someday.  I am grateful for that.   

More tomorrow. 

Grief

I don’t know how to begin.  Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend who had moved away from us earlier in the year.  She’s had a lot of problems with her pregnancy.  She’s been in the hospital for several weeks now due to various complications (low amniotic fluid for one).  J (my friend) delivered a little girl the day before yesterday, and later that night her baby’s heart gave out and she passed away.  They tried to resuscitate the baby for 20 minutes.  

My friend is devastated.  She and I just bawled on the telephone for 15 minutes.  She was there for me during my miscarriages, and I want more than anything to be there for her.  I’ve asked another friend in town if she will take care of Train Boy should I be able to go out and help her.  I’m waiting to hear.  

 

Thyroid Issues, Panic and Childbirth

My TSH levels are low (.58 is the latest) which as I now know--means borderline hyperthyroidism.  The good news is this shouldn't affect the baby. 

Here's the problem: Just because I fall into some technically random range of "normal" does NOT mean my thyroid is acting normally.

If this was normal then why have I had racing heart issues? Seriously why does it shoot up to 100+ beats a minute when I was resting quietly the minute before? How about 120 beats when I was just standing and looking at some papers? What about the increased agitation? The increasing frequency this is all happening with? This was all happening before I got pregnant, so while a racing heart may not be uncommon during pregnancy, that does not mean it is the norm for me. I've had five babies and this is NOT normal for me.

That said, I have to say I've had panic attacks before, and initially I thought I was having a series of panic attacks. I simply do not react well to certain medications, and they can bring on panic attacks and racing heart.

*******

My first panic attack was in 1998 when I received vicodin after C1's c-section. I stopped taking the vicodin and did better. It helped that my mom arrived. In 2004, someone decided I need to take percocet after C4's birth and the tearing I had. I should have listened to my gut and not taken the medication. The Lord has blessed me with a high pain tolerance and I think it was to balance out the reactions I have to some pain medications. I don't like how morphine makes me itch and be fidgety. The reaction to the percocet was extreme. I couldn't sleep. I was so tired, I kept slipping between dozing (only to be woken by the racing heart) and not quite dreaming, and wakefulness. I had weird half-asleep dreams and thoughts about being strapped down flat on my back while I was pregnant--waiting for surgery, and my baby was in danger. No one was there and no one would help me.

And then I didn't sleep and dream for 3 days. I couldn't relax. I had a hard time enjoying my sweet little girl. It was torture and traumatic.

I should have never taken the half ambien recommended to me before I went in for induction. Then, because I am lucky enough to test positive for Group B Strep, I was given pitocin and a high course of antibiotics before they broke my water. I ended up with an epidural. Then add the anti-fungal I have to take because my body love to immediately launch into thrush when I have antibiotics. It was a nightmare. Too many drugs in my body interacting with each other.

Thankfully this last time (C5) my midwives were really proactive in my care. I was worried about not being able to sleep. (How are you supposed to be able to sleep when every couple of hours someone comes in to check on your or your baby's vitals and then offer you things like newspapers and baby's first photo?) My midwives instructed that the baby and I be evaluated at the same time intervals. NO unnecessary interruptions, and they recommended I take advantage of naturally occurring tryptophan in turkey and warm milk.

Everything is all well and good until March when I had a severe cold and took a certain cold medication as often as allowed to try and relieve my symptoms (something I almost never do).

Result? Panic attack(s) that lasted more or less for three days. Yikes.

*******

I ended up talking to a counselor multiple times trying to figure out what is going on. Found out I was pregnant during the course of counseling and then some of the fears of childbirth and what it means for my body come back. I worked through a good many issues and I was doing better for a little while. Then I found out my pregnancy was ectopic and required immediate surgery. Did I mention my DH was on his way out of the country when this all started happening? Fortunately I had a fantastic friend stay with me until well into the night. I finally sent her home around 1:00 am--she had little ones of her own to take care of. Sometime later I ended up facing my biggest nightmare--pregnant, strapped down to a bed and about to have surgery. Only this time I knew I wasn't alone--I heard the voices of the doctors and nurses, and the room was bright. I faced my biggest fear and got through it. And even though my husband was gone, I felt the Lord comforting me through every step of this process.

I spoke with the counselor about my grief and began to piece things back together. DH had to go out of the country again, and I kept having "attacks" (or what I perceived to be attacks at the time) with more and more frequency. What was happening? Why was I suddenly a basket case? For years I had been a competent, strong woman. Why was I falling apart?

Things came to a head while my husband still gone. I was having a particularly bad evening and as he was on the other side of the world, I was talking to him. He (wonderful man that he is) took time out of his meetings to help me figure out some things. He did some internet research and realized there might be a medical reason for what was happening to me.

Next day I called my nurse practitioner and we started looking into why I might be having these issues.

Once I realized there might be a medical reason, a strange thing happened--I stopped panicking when the racing heart would start. I'd been so used to associating the two, I thought I was having another panic attack whenever the racing heart happened.

Now, I can distance myself and say, "Hmm--my body is freaking out on me at the moment."

I'm still not sure what is at the bottom of all of this. My good friend with celiacs (I'll call her Anna for future purposes), has had a lot of the same issues I've had and has been a stalwart friend and a good listening ear. She is the one that suggested I look into celiacs knowing I don't really react well to wheat or gluten.

The bottom line is, something in my body has changed, and I am determined to figure out what it is. I dearly wish I had a baseline TSH and other thyroid levels to compare my current state to. If I did, I suspect I could turn to the doctor and say, "Here's where I am supposed to be, and here's where I am now. What are we going to do about it?"

I'm not going to give up. I will eat healthier and I will find an answer that works for me and my family. We will, with the Lord's help, find a way through all of this.