Umm, What Was That Again?

Warning--this post contains information of emergency urological kind.  If you are squeamish, stop reading and enjoy this picture of lovely flowers.  If you dare read on...

How Do You Guide Your Child Who Sabotaged His Brother's Scout Efforts?

Remember last week when I posted that Whirlwind was complaining about going on the scout camp out?  And that I mentioned it was an important camp out for both boys? 

Whirlwind sabotaged his brother.  I just don't know if it was intentional or not.

One of the final requirements for Lawboy to receive his Second Class rank was to go on a five mile hike using his compass and map along the way.  The troop got about a mile and a half into the hike when Whirlwind refused to go any further.  Another boy started complaining too and in the end they turned around.  (The troop did not have four leaders so two leaders could return the boys to safety and the other two keep the rest of the troop going).  The troop only hiked three of the five miles. 

When I talked to him about it, Whirlwind kept telling me he'd already passed off that requirement. 

I'm having a hard time discerning whether or not he was really that focused on his own scout goals and not anyone else's, or if it was intentional sabotage of his brother and he's taking a tact he thinks will spare him consequences.  (I don't think he likes the idea of his brother being closer to First Class than he is). 

I think that is one of the hardest parts of being a mom to an ASD kid (at least one of my ASD kids).  There are somethings I know he (Whirlwind) genuinely doesn't get.  Other times (because of things he's shown me he can accomplish) I think I'm getting played.  Usually I can tell the difference, but when we have somewhat unusual or new situations it is harder to figure out. 

I pray a lot for guidance as a mother.  I don't know how I could do it if the Lord didn't grant me inspiration from time to time.  I pray for wisdom and patience.  I know the Lord knows my children even better than I do, and He knows how I can best help them. 

I know the Lord answers my prayers.  On more than one occasion I've relayed a strategy or analogy I was inspired to try with one of my kids--only to have a counselor/therapist/professional tell me I was using a known technique to professionals without my knowing it was an "approved" technique.  I'm not saying this to toot my own horn about my instincts, but to give credit to my Father in Heaven who has helped me do these good things for my children.  By myself I wouldn't know how to do what I do.  With the Lord's help I can do anything.

So now my kids are home and I am lacking Solomon's wisdom.  I am going to be praying about how to handle this situation, because on my own I think I might just screw it up.

Trust in the Lord my friends, Trust in the Lord.

Baby Girl has reached 20 pounds!!

We had a follow up appointment with the pediatric gastroenterologist.  We are going to continue to treat baby girl for acid reflux and then we will rescope her in August.  When we weighed her I was extremely happy to find out Baby Girl has finally reached 20 pounds.  She just barely crosses the 20 pound mark, but she does cross it!

I'm grateful for the continued prayers on my little girl's behalf.  We're not out of the woods yet, but I am confident that a loving God knows what is best for us.

Baby Girl gained a pound!

We saw the allergist today and she has gained a pound in just two weeks!  The pediatric allergist wants us to continue to eliminate milk from her diet.  We are to reintroduce milk products at 18 months. 

I know we have had a lot of family members praying for our sweet little girl and I am thankful for those prayers.  I trust in my Heavenly Father and in my Savior that we will somehow get the answers we need and that my baby will be all right.  We'll do our part, but ultimately it is our of our hands. 

Failure to Thrive

Failure to thrive. 

It feels like a punch in the guts.  What is going on with my baby girl?  I feed her a lot--just as much as I've ever fed her older siblings, yet this little girl cannot seem to put on more than a few ounces. 

She was 17 pounds at the beginning of the year and here we are nearly five months later and she has only gained a pound or so. 

I took her to a pediatric gastroenterologist to try and figure out what is going on.  She saw how my little girl started off in the 95% percentile for weight and has dropped growth curves until she is now just below 10%.  She looks like a healthy, happy baby, but those growth curves tell us something is going on.  The doctor doubted Baby Girl would test positive for Celiac disease, but suggested we run comprehensive blood work and scope her to determine if there are any physical reasons she may not be absorbing her food well.  She diagnosed her as "Failure to Thrive."

Developmentally she is doing well enough.  She started walking on Easter Sunday and she seems pretty social.  I am concerned about some sensory sensitivities I see, but time is needed to see if they will be an issue in the long run.

The GI doctor also wants us to talk to a pediatric food allergist.  She made a recommendation and we will go in to try and figure out if there are other foods we should avoid.  I've started milk elimination from my diet and it seems to make a difference--at least in her skin.  We'll figure out what else we need to do I guess.  We pray for our little girl and her doctors. 

Sprinting vs. Marathons: Living in a World of Quick Fixes with Long-term Challenges

It seems to me we are a society of quick fixes.  Everywhere you turn in media there are ads for countless medical pills.  There are pills and drugs and creams, for dry mouth, dry eyes, insomnia, depression, acne, irritable bowel syndrome, restless leg syndrome, ed, yeast infections, weight loss, etc.  You can make your eyelashes appear longer and fuller with hundreds of mascaras, or you can products that will permanently affect them. (And oh, by the way, it may actually change your eye color.  You have to read the fine print).  

We buy magazines with covers that scream, "Ten steps to a better you!",  "50 ways to declutter your home", "101 organizing ideas", "30 things you should do with your kids", "Seven great weight-loss recipes".  We devour lists and tips and quick fixes.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only that wishes I could snap my fingers and my house would magically clean itself up--much like the nursery in Mary Poppins.  

I admit I am guilty of buying into some of these things.  I can't tell you how many organization books I've read.  I think subconsciously I keep hoping reading one more article will make me a more organized person.  I have spent more hours than I'd like to admit trolling Pinterest for recipes, meal planning, Autism ideas, and the like.  I've even written my own post on this blog about tips and ideas for navigating amusement parks with more than one ASD child, or how to capture the magic of a surprise Disney vacation when your kids don't exactly like surprises. 

Now don't get me wrong. I am grateful for the information and products out there that are truly helpful.  Three of my children have ADHD, and two of them are on medications that help them focus.  Before we tried the medicines, we went a more holistic approach cutting out sugars, gluten and casein.  We also cut out artificial dyes.  It worked when I could monitor my children's diet, but one little slip-up meant I had to deal with 45 minute long screaming tantrums.  I was exhausted and Whilrlwind would actively seek the things I was trying to keep out of his diet.  He would trade food at school, friends houses, etc.  It was a losing battle.  When we had his medication correct he was sweet loving, and easy to get along with because he could control his impulses and anger.

I've also found many useful tips and ideas that have made my life a bit easier in various ways.  Ideas for transitioning my kids to activities, freezer meals to try that included a pre-made grocery list, organizing and scheduling ideas that have made life run a little smoother and the like.

As good as all these things can be though, I have to remind myself that for better or worse, I am running a marathon here--not a 50 meter dash.

There are no ten easy steps to helping my children master motor skills like buttons or legible handwriting.  There isn't a sure-fire way to get my kids to respect personal space for others.  We have to practice reciprocal conversation skills, picking up body language and other things I had always taken for granted.  And, as much as I want to lose thirty pounds, it is not going to happen if I don't pay attention to what I eat and get exercise.  The quick fixes I've seen for weight loss have had their ramifications.  A former co-worker was very excited about Phenphen when it came out.  He would later discover he had damaged his heart with its use.

***

A couple of years ago I ran a 5k.  It was a goal I had, and I was so excited to keep going with my running.  However, that winter I sprained both my knee and my ankle when I was rushing across my kitchen floor and slipped on a mat.  My knee and ankle hurt for a long time, and I did not get back into running.  This year I have a goal to run another 5k in the fall.  As I train with the walk/run method, I find I "hit the wall".  I get to the point when I don't feel like I can physically run one more step before I have to walk.  I remember from before when I hit that wall and push through it--even one or two steps more, the wall would get pushed further and further back.  I also remember there even comes a point in running when you get a second wind and you are able to go further than you did before. 

I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

***

I would say I'm running a marathon in my life right now with my family, except it feels more like being in training. There are times we are running, but we hit our wall and don't think we can go one more step.  Sometimes we are metaphorically walking.  Moving forward at a snail's pace, but we are still moving forward.  It's the only thing I can do.  To not move forward would be to give up, and I just can't do that.

When I hit my wall or need to remember that this really is a long-distance run, there are a few things that really help me.  One is looking back and seeing/remembering just how far we have come.  Firstborn doesn't freak out at "crisis" situations anymore like he used to.  The kids have come from reading below grade level to reading above grade level.  Conversation skills are improving, Acroboy doesn't break down and cry anymore when a new food is presented to him, he is actually more willing to try new foods thanks to the food occupational therapy.  We've made huge strides, and in my moments of frustration I have to remember just how far we've come.

I also have to remember I am not running this race alone.  I have a running buddies/cheerleaders in my friends and family who support me.  My biggest supporters are my Heavenly Father and Savior.  Whenever I feel tired or discouraged I can turn to them through prayer, scripture study, service, contemplation, etc, and feel uplifted.  There have been many times in my life where I feel like they've carried me. 

This above all helps me move forward.  When I reach the end of this life and have to meet my Father in Heaven and Savior I want more than anything to be able to truthfully say:

I have fought a good ^afight, I have ^bfinished my course, I have kept the faith 2 Timothy 4:7

Remember when you are running today, it's not a sprint--it's a marathon and we're in it for the long haul.  If you need a little more inspiration, check out the video above or in this link.  We're all a little bit like Dayton and the Savior is our legs.  

Listening

Have you ever had one of those moments when you just knew that something was wrong? Or that someone was in danger and you just had to act quickly? Or maybe you felt impressed that you should call a friend or stop by only to find out how much you were needed? That perhaps you were an answer to prayers?

I believe those still small moments are when the Holy Ghost is speaking to us-telling us something we should know. I had one of those moments today and I am very grateful.

I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. I had already read my scriptures for the morning.  A few minutes before, Baby Girl had followed me into the closet. I turned out the light and walked to the bathroom-expecting her to follow me as she usually does. I was in the bathroom getting ready for a few minutes when I knew with absolute certainty I needed to drop everything and run because Baby Girl was at the top of the stairs in a precarious position.

I ran.

When I turned the corner I saw she was in the position I knew she would be in--sitting at the edge of the top stair dangerously close to toppling over.

I also knew instantly and with certainty I should grab her outstretched hand and pull her closer to me before picking her up--instead of picking her up the way I usually do. Thinking back on it now, I think had I picked her up like normal she would have arched backwards like she always does, and she would have tumbled down those stairs from losing her balance.

I know that Heavenly Father was looking out for my family today. I had been slow to put up the baby gate.  I am so grateful for the prompting I received, and that I was listening and quick to respond. That has not always been the case, and I have paid the price when I did not listen.

I hope we all make time in our lives to listen to the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost.

Raging outbursts and Calming the Storms

As I sit here nursing the baby, Whirlwind is in a raging outburst. He is yelling that I don't care about him. I won't help him, no one will help him and he hates this stupid family. He wishes he wasn't a part of our idiotic family.

I could go on, but sufficed to say, it's not very pleasant.

Lately I've been reading my scriptures in the mornings, and it has given me an added measure of peace during the day. I feel that when I start my day with my scripture reading and a prayer, I am more prepared for the day and that I can more readily listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Right now I feel that I should let Whirlwind finish venting and then approach him when he is calmer. It is more than just experience or a gut feeling, but a calm knowledge this is what I should do.

I find with my children I am often sending up quick prayers or pleas for help in how to handle a situation, or what advice I might give or how to respond to something they tell me. I am grateful for the inspiration The Lord gives me though the Holy Ghost on their behalf. I hope I will always do my best to listen and obey.

Right now the following scriptures come to mind:

Mark 4:
37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

While our lives, and at times Whirlwind's emotions, may turbulent, I find peace and comfort in our Savior who calms the tempests both temporal and spiritual.

May you too find peace and comfort this day.

My Old Nemesis Anxiety is Back

Much as was hoping to avoid anxiety it's here.

I tried to prepare for and anticipate any triggers.  I brought earplugs and an eye mask to the hospital so I could drown out extra noise.  The earplugs were just enough so I couldn't hear the baby down the hall crying, but I could still hear our bundle of joy in our room.  My sweet husband spent the first night with us and held our daughter so I could sleep.  I was able to get some sleep.

The next night I had sent my exhausted husband home to sleep in our bed.  I tried to get some sleep, but was having a very difficult time.  It was the second night "wakefulness" night.  Baby Girl just pretty much wanted to party.  Two other new moms were also having trouble sleeping.  The hospital beds were not conducive at all for "sleeping in", and they had no nursery.  Our fantastic nurses came up with a plan though.  They put all three babies in an unused room with one of them on watch at all times.  They rotated rounds, medication stops and everything and allowed us to sleep.  I got four and a half hours and I was thrilled!

The third day we came home from the hospital and it all fell apart.  I have a nursing pillow I use to position the baby as I nurse--the problem was the night time feedings.  I would get sleepy nursing the baby, but then I would "jerk" awake because I didn't want to put the baby in a dangerous position.  I kept doing this.  I would try and lay her down, but she wouldn't sleep for long before waking and wanting to nurse again. 

I also found myself drifting off to sleep in my bed, then "jerking" awake again even though I didn't have her in my arms.

The end result was I slept about an hour.

The next day was not much better.  I got an hour nap and 2 two hour stretches of sleep.  I began to have anxiety that I would never have a decent night's sleep again--even though I have faith that I would get through this like I did last time.  I had forgotten how to fall asleep.  I worried about what kind of mother I would be for my other children and how I would function when my in-laws and husband were gone. This only added to my stress level. 

I talked with my mother-in-law and she reminded me of talk I had recently heard from a modern-day apostle of Jesus Christ.  The apostle had taught us from the New Testament and pointed out that even when Jesus was at his lowest point having fasted for forty days and then having been tempted by the devil, the Savior did not turn inward, but ministered to John the Baptist by sending angels to him.  He served others even when he must have been weary and beaten down.

I realized I was wrapped in my own drama of "will I have a normal sleep schedule again?"  I realized I needed to get outside of myself and serve others.  I could serve my family--especially our new little daughter who is wholly dependent upon me, but I can also do little things to help others.  I can send a note to a sick friend, or call someone on the phone to let them know I am thinking of them.  I can make a few phone calls for another busy mom who is trying to pull together a big activity.  I can help others in small, but meaningful ways.

I also have come to the realization that this is likely NOT the last time I'll ever face anxiety--and that's okay.  Heavenly Father has helped me get through my bouts of anxiety in the past, and I know He will help me get through them now, and when I face them again in the future.  This knowledge helps me because I know I am not alone.  I can also use the experience as an opportunity to draw ever closer to my Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ.  

And that my friends, is a very good thing.

Passing a Torch

We're getting down to the wire now--Baby girl is due in a little over a month.

For the last two years I've served as the head of our women's organization at church.  Lately the needs of my family have increased.  The bishop asked me if I wanted to be released or keep serving with the approaching birth of our baby.  I told him I would serve as long as he felt inspired to keep me in that position. A little while after that I admit I started feeling like my time was coming to an end. The Bishop told me he felt it was time to make a change as well.

I started working with my first counselor, who I knew was going to be the next Relief Society president to be prepared for the switchover.  The bishop asked for our input as to when the changed would be presented to the congregation.  We asked if the change could be announced the day of our Visiting Teaching Conference.**  We all worked together to have myself, my counselors, the new counselors and the visiting teaching coordinator all present the information for the day.

It was an emotional day for me. I can't begin to express my gratitude for the opportunity to serve the sisters in our ward/parish.  I love them so much and hope I was able to help them feel of their Heavenly Father's love for them.  I hope I was able to strengthen them and their testimonies.

I do feel it is time to pass the torch. I have done my best, but now it is someone else's job. Nora (my former first counselor and now the president) will be wonderful. I have no doubt of this. I believe firmly The Lord has a plan for each of us, and this is part of his plan. The blessings that come from serving are immeasurable. And though there have been some challenges, the blessings have far outweighed any cost from serving. Words really can't express my gratitude.

I hope you each have opportunities to serve your fellow men.  

**A quick Visiting teaching primer. The purpose of Relief Society is to prepare women for the blessings of eternal life by helping them increase their faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and help those in need. Relief Society accomplishes these purposes through Sunday gospel instruction, other Relief Society meetings, visiting teaching, and welfare and compassionate service.

As mentioned, one of the ways we do that is through the visiting teaching program. Two sisters are assigned as companions and are given the responsibility to visit, strengthen, and uplift other sisters one on one. For instance I go with Mary (who is my companion) to visit Judith and Jean. 

The Visiting Teaching conference is where the local Relief Society presidency presents a program to inspire and remind the ladies at church why it is so important to be a visiting teacher.  Every conference will be different, but there will always be scriptures, and hymns.  Usually there testimonies and stories shared as well.

A wonderful talk titled, "Fulfilling the Purpose of Relief Society" can be found here.  It was given by the former General Relief Society President for the whole chuch, Julie B. Beck.   You can also follow the first link to Mormon.org where more questions can be answered. 

Family Happenings

This pregnancy has been rough.  I've been so incredibly sick. But I at the same time I am so grateful to be in this position. I really had given up the idea that we would have any more kids. I didn't think it was in the Lord's plan for us. Because I thought we were done having kids and I gave away so much baby gear! My friend, Christy, who was the recipient of most of the baby gear gave or is going to give it back. When I am done with it, it will go right back to her. That part is a huge relief at least.

In regards to being sick, I've had to get acupuncture treatments for nausea and STILL wear my sea bands.  Were it not for the fact I've learned that a little bit of protein in my belly helps (I nibble on hard boiled eggs and turkey meat), and that carbohydrates tend to make me sicker, and blessings from the Lord, I probably would have ended up having another IV from getting dehydrated and not keeping things down like I did with Firstborn.  I tried the anti-nausea medication they said I could take, but I had a reaction to it.  

Based upon prior experience I am pretty sure I am having a boy.  I am just hoping that if it is a boy, and he too is on the autism spectrum, the Lord will grant me strength and wisdom to be the best parent I can be.  

Words really can't express how shocked I was at being pregnant.  I am so grateful though that we have made it further than we did with the last three pregnancies.  I've done a lot of soul searching about the answer I got, and I can see a purpose for it now.  The answer I got was that I had done all I needed to for my family and that I should focus on helping my kids right now.  I interpreted that as I had given birth to all the children I needed to. Perhaps I that is how I was supposed to interpret my answer.  Since then though, I have been focusing more on what my kids need.  

I have also gone through the difficult process of aligning my heart to the Lord's will for me.  I am sure this will not be the only time I ever have to align my will with what Heavenly Father and our Savior want for me, but I have grown so much closer to them.  Staying close to our Father in Heaven and Savior is a constant process I know. You really have to keep moving forward because doing nothing sends you backwards.  

Katie (who is now my first counselor), and Julie (my second counselor) have been a tremendous help. I was so sick we ended up telling them and the Bishop in addition to our parents because I needed the extra help. 

I was somewhat apprehensive at our 12 week visit. this was the visit where in the last two pregnancies things had gone wrong. First we had our 12 week ultrasound and we saw a strong heartbeat, and I could even tell the nuchial folds seemed thinner than the baby we lost. Then it was time for the doctor to see me after the ultrasound. When he came in a gave us a HUGE smile. Everything looked great at this point. I felt so relieved-- we made it to a crucial point.

We still didn't want to tell the world at large, but we felt lighter and a bit more optimistic. Thankfully as well, my morning sickness ebbed just in time for that family vacation I planned for in May.  

We had a good time--so much so that our most recent trip has earned A couple of separate posts.  I have had to put off things for my other children because I was so sick with the one I am carrying now.  One of those is pressing for C5-Trainboy--though I think Acroboy is more appropriate now--getting him into preschool.  We're almost to Christmas and he still isn't in a program yet. We were told we were on the wait list. There have been days when it was all I could do to make breakfast and lunch for the two of us, so I had no problem not having to run him to school each day.

Acroboy is smart, so it is not the academic portion I am worried about. It's getting him to adjust going to school each day. It is getting him used to a regular classroom setting and interacting with large groups of children. He goes to the children's class each Sunday, but that isn't a substitute for a weekday routine. His sister got a call just before Winter break and would she like to join the preschool. I had been hoping that would be the case again, but not so far.  I have another meeting with the district after the holidays to hopefully get him an IEP. I am hoping they'll put him in one of their preschool programs then.  Private preschool really isn't an option for us. 

We took him back to the medical institute's center for autism.  He had another ADOS and other evaluations.  This time he has a diagnosis of not only PDD-NOS, but ADHD. It's really not surprising given how hyper he is all of the time.  I've been seeing him act more and more like Whirlwind all of the time. He has food and texture issues though, so medication is not an option in my mind.  We will see what meeting with the district brings.

Good News and Bad News

I haven't written in some time (I've been feeling poorly).  So much has happened.  

First of all, I had good intentions for the summer with keeping us scheduled,but in all honesty, I should have planned for more downtime.  Trying to do swim lessons and kid courses at the community college led to an awful lot of running around.  We had a good summer, but it was far too busy.  I still had Relief Society responsibilities I was handling as well.  Next year I definitely won't take on as many activities. 

We took our trip to see Grandma and Grandpa at the end of summer and had a great time.  We got to visit with lots of other family as well. When we got back we got ready for school to start.  

C2-Whirlwind is hitting Junior High this year.  C3-Lawboy is starting at a new elementary school with his sister, Princess Ballerina, because of boundary changes.  I am hoping we will get away from the bully situation we had at the last school.  Still no word on if C5-Trainboy will be able to get into preschool--I'm hoping for the winter break.  We have another evaluation scheduled for him. 

Our sad news--my dear friend Susan, who had fought off breast cancer before she was my counselor in the Relief Society, found out her cancer was back in the spring.  Overall she seemed to be doing well.  She was positive and enthusiastic and we all felt she was beating it.  She had previously been released as my counselor about a year ago--the previous fall.  We felt it was too much stress and she needed a lighter assignment.  After some discussion, she took on our Relief Society newsletter.  She was getting treatments, taking vitamin C shots and really seemed to be doing well.  I talked with her in September when she called to ask for a little time off from the newsletter.  She was just too tired right now, but she wanted to do it again when she felt better. I shared some good news with her at that time.  

For the next few weeks I thought about her a lot and tried to call, leaving many messages.  I'd like to say I sent her cards-I thought about it, but I didn't--just the messages.   I knew she needed rest, so I didn't want to push it. I finally got a hold of her husband and when I learned just how sick she was, I convinced him to let us come in and help with things until Susan could get better.  

The next morning I got a terrible phone call that Susan had passed early that morning.  

The world has lost an angel in Susan.  She was a faithful woman of God who wanted to serve others until the very end.  

*******

The good (in fact wonderful and amazing!) news I shared with her was a big surprise and total shock to us.  Not many weeks after we got back from vacation I was feeling rather poorly myself. I thought it was an early bout of the flu.  Just to be sure I took my last remaining pregnancy test.  (I hate throwing things away and I hadn't found anyone to give it to yet and I always bought multi-packs because they are cheaper.)  I was completely shocked when it came back positive.  I was also slightly panicked that I had  given my baby things away!   

I've just had my sixteen week checkup and I'm cautiously optimistic.  I'm ready to tell people now (hence the post), but I know we still have a long road ahead.  Before now, only a handful of people knew.  

*******

Susan was so happy for us.  She knew how hard my last miscarriage had hit me, and she was so supportive.   She told me she hoped everything would go well.  I know she was praying for us.  

I still cry when I talk about this.  It's all still too recent.  I miss her wonderful laugh and sense of humor.  I miss her smile.  I am grateful for all she taught me and helped me with as I was finding my feet in my calling.  I am grateful Heavenly Father allowed our paths to cross.  

I believe in the Plan of Salvation--that Heavenly Father provided a way for us through his Son, Jesus Christ, that we may all return to them if we come unto Christ and repent of our sins.  I'm pretty sure Susan did exactly that and is in heaven.  I hope I can live a worthy life and one day get to heaven too and greet our loved ones-friends and family alike.  I look forward to seeing Susan there.

********

As Relief Society president and Susan's friend,I had the privilege of helping prepare for body for her funeral. It was an experience that I will cherish.

 

Getting Answers We Don't Want

In January I posted about letting go, it has been a real struggle to do that.  I didn't want to give up if it was in the Lord's plan for my husband and I to have more children, but I was trying to let go of it being in my hands.  Baby things are expensive, and I have managed to get to the point I'm willing to give away our baby things if I felt it was the right thing to do.  

Ever since C4--Princess Ballerina's birth I have felt that we had two more children that needed to join our home.  Her brother, C5-aka Trainboy, is one of those children.  I've been wondering if our two little babies I saw heartbeat and movement were the reason I still feel our family is incomplete. 

I've been feeling like I am in limbo.  I've been trying to patiently wait the for the answer to my prayers regarding the size of our family.  Very recently it came.  

It is a very personal story, and I don't want to go into too much detail, but I do want to share some things.  I have been praying for help in being patient for the Lord's answers regarding our family.  I have been trying to make more opportunities to hear the whispers or promptings of the Holy Spirit--that divine guidance I believe we can all hear if we try.  

The answer I got was that I had done enough for our family and I could move on.  I should focus on my family as it is now and do all I can for them.  I wept with gratitude when my answer came.  It's not the answer I was hoping for, but I know it is the right answer.  I feel at peace.  

Not long after getting this answer I learned of some people who could really use some baby items.  I am happy I could help in whatever small way I can.  

My heart stills yearns for another baby, but I trust in the Lord.  I trust that if I can align my will to his I will be better for it.  

I am grateful the Lord answers prayers and for His infinite wisdom.  

If you are struggling with putting your trust in the Lord, if you've gotten an answer you don't want, I encourage you to just do it--just trust.  Our Heavenly Father knows you and what you need.  I know this.  I know that there is peace, comfort, and safety in the arms of the Lord. 

May you have a wonderful day and know that you are loved. 

Letting Go

I’m writing this with a heavy heart.  I’ve been hoping since the last miscarriage that we’d be able to get pregnant again.  My family doesn’t think I should even try.  They all seem to take the ectopic pregnancy and two miscarriages  as a sign I’m not supposed to have anymore kids.  I haven’t wanted to go there in my thinking.  It is hard not to when despite only having one tube, I still managed to get pregnant.

I know that while I’m overweight, there are no major medical problems.  Until I got sick in November, I was exercising 3-5 times a week and I had started to tone up and lose inches around my waist. 

My husband has traveled a lot this last year, and I’ve got some major responsibilities with my calling at church (We are asked or “called” to serve in various capacities in our church.  It’s all volunteer—no pay.)  I’m the head of our women’s group at church aka ward Relief Society president.  I’ve got two counselors (other women) to help me, but there is a lot to do.  It’s a juggling act at times. 

I have been praying for guidance and the answer I got was to be patient.  That was a hard answer to get because I know that with every passing month, my chances at another successful pregnancy become slimmer.  

I’m not always good at being patient, but I’ve done my best.   I’m waiting and trusting in the Lord’s plan for my family.  I’ve watched good friends and my sister get pregnant, and give birth.  Two of those babies were due around the time mine were due.  Recently I learned that five women at church are pregnant.  One of whom is a good friend of mine, is pregnant with her eighth.  I knew she and her husband had been discussing having just one more child, and now they’re on their way.  

On the other hand, I’ve begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s exciting.  My youngest is almost potty-trained, and next fall he should be in preschool.  I will have a couple of hours in which I can grocery shop or run errands sans kids.  That hasn’t  happened in over a decade.  A year and  a half from now, he will be in kindergarten, and I will have more than a few hours by myself.  I’m starting to look forward to that possibility.  

As each month has passed, I’ve see-sawed back and forth between wanting a new little one, and remembering how much work new babies can be.  I went to a book club group where several ladies were pregnant and of course labor and delivery stories came up.  I remembered how much I hate hospitals after the delivery is over, and how edgy I get when I don’t sleep because of the relentless checking-in that can happen.  

I don’t rest when my babies are in the nursery because after labor I am hyper-alert to certain noises.  Every baby that cries I wake and wonder if it is mine.  I’ve tried sleeping with the babies in the room, but every time one of them makes a noise I wake, sit up and look around to see if the baby is waking up or just making noise.  Finally I learned the last time around (with number five) to keep the baby in the bed with me.  He would make his normal newborn sounds and I would just open my eyes to see if he needed me.  If not I would drift back to my dozing/slumber state.  I was always very cautious (I’ve read and heard too many horror stories to not be), and I am a light sleeper, so I took the necessary precautions to protect both of us, and was able to get some sleep for once.  Still, I didn’t fully rest until I came home from the hospital, and though I’ve talked it through, I still get tense thinking about the post-partum stay because of what happened with my fourth child (a really bad reaction to medications that left me sleepless, hyper and hysterical for three days).  

Then there are the midnight feedings and lack of sleep until the baby is big enough to sleep through the night.  The diaper rashes, thrush, and how much nursing hurts at first until your body is used to letting down your milk.  

Oh, but the sweetness!  Is there anything that smells sweeter than a new baby?  Isn’t rocking one of them to sleep against your shoulder one of the best privileges life has to offer?  And isn’t looking at the miracle in your arms and knowing they are fresh from Heaven one of the most exquisite and humbling experiences you can have?  

I’ve been so torn, but I’m close to 40, and frankly biology is playing a bigger and bigger role in this. 

So I’m letting go.  I'm lettting go of the control.  Frankly, it's not in my hands--it's always been in the Lord's hands.  Sadly I'm also trying to let go of the hope I will get pregnant again.  I’m trying to learn to be content  with the fact I’m not likely to have more children.  I am admitting it is out of my hands.  I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of all the baby clothes just yet, but I’m getting there.  

Today I got rid of the pregnancy tests in the picture.  I’m not sure why I was holding on to them. I guess in some ways they are reminders of the babies I had lost.  In other ways, they are anchors holding me in place—not allowing me to move forward because of their weight.  

So they are gone.  They are in the trashcan at the end of the driveway, and they will be gone for good tomorrow morning.  I plan on selling/donating the car toddler bed that is taking up space in the basement.  The baby clothes I don’t want to hand down will go in their boxes and on racks in the garage and get one step closer to leaving the house.   I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of them, because I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I can put them someplace they don’t take up mental energy. 

I am determined to not take this time with the kids I have for granted.  My oldest still talks to me and likes to do things with me.  The youngest still loves to snuggle.  The rest fall somewhere in-between, and so I’m trying to do more things with my kids. Play more games, read more books, make more crafts together.  They are my gifts from Heaven and they deserve a mom who is fully vested in the present, and not mired in the “I wish” of the past.  

I wish you many moments of joy today.