Trying to Motivate my ADHD, Aspergers, & Sometimes ODD Teenage Boy

My boys belong to a church-sponsored Boy Scouts of America troop.  It has been a good experience for them.  We have an upcoming camp out, and once again Whirlwind is declaring loudly he doesn't want to go.  He does this just about every scout camp out.  Somehow we convince him to go and often he comes home having had a good time.  He complains when we go the the local state park to meet up with friends from church.  I drag him there and then he never wants to leave.

I try to gently remind him that he said and did the same thing the last time we _____, and he still had a good time.  Sometimes I resort to all-out bribery/mild coercion (no electronic gadgets if he chooses to stay home).  Sometimes I lose my temper and tell him it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to go--we're going.

He's a teenager now, so everything has become "stupid" to him.  I want to roll my eyes right back at him and tell him he's being childish, but I know that will just cause problems.  (Did I ever give my own parents attitude?  I do remember being a bit obnoxious when I was in eighth grade, but I don't remember it being this bad).  He's a very different personality than Firstborn, so I'm having to develop new parenting skills.  I'm looking for ways to motivate him and not have the drama every time we need to engage him in an activity.

This camp out is an important one. Both he and his brother need to accomplish several things on it so they can earn their First Class rank.  He is more vocal than ever that he doesn't want to go, but he really needs to.  I hope it goes well.

Passing a Torch

We're getting down to the wire now--Baby girl is due in a little over a month.

For the last two years I've served as the head of our women's organization at church.  Lately the needs of my family have increased.  The bishop asked me if I wanted to be released or keep serving with the approaching birth of our baby.  I told him I would serve as long as he felt inspired to keep me in that position. A little while after that I admit I started feeling like my time was coming to an end. The Bishop told me he felt it was time to make a change as well.

I started working with my first counselor, who I knew was going to be the next Relief Society president to be prepared for the switchover.  The bishop asked for our input as to when the changed would be presented to the congregation.  We asked if the change could be announced the day of our Visiting Teaching Conference.**  We all worked together to have myself, my counselors, the new counselors and the visiting teaching coordinator all present the information for the day.

It was an emotional day for me. I can't begin to express my gratitude for the opportunity to serve the sisters in our ward/parish.  I love them so much and hope I was able to help them feel of their Heavenly Father's love for them.  I hope I was able to strengthen them and their testimonies.

I do feel it is time to pass the torch. I have done my best, but now it is someone else's job. Nora (my former first counselor and now the president) will be wonderful. I have no doubt of this. I believe firmly The Lord has a plan for each of us, and this is part of his plan. The blessings that come from serving are immeasurable. And though there have been some challenges, the blessings have far outweighed any cost from serving. Words really can't express my gratitude.

I hope you each have opportunities to serve your fellow men.  

**A quick Visiting teaching primer. The purpose of Relief Society is to prepare women for the blessings of eternal life by helping them increase their faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and help those in need. Relief Society accomplishes these purposes through Sunday gospel instruction, other Relief Society meetings, visiting teaching, and welfare and compassionate service.

As mentioned, one of the ways we do that is through the visiting teaching program. Two sisters are assigned as companions and are given the responsibility to visit, strengthen, and uplift other sisters one on one. For instance I go with Mary (who is my companion) to visit Judith and Jean. 

The Visiting Teaching conference is where the local Relief Society presidency presents a program to inspire and remind the ladies at church why it is so important to be a visiting teacher.  Every conference will be different, but there will always be scriptures, and hymns.  Usually there testimonies and stories shared as well.

A wonderful talk titled, "Fulfilling the Purpose of Relief Society" can be found here.  It was given by the former General Relief Society President for the whole chuch, Julie B. Beck.   You can also follow the first link to Mormon.org where more questions can be answered. 

Good News and Bad News

I haven't written in some time (I've been feeling poorly).  So much has happened.  

First of all, I had good intentions for the summer with keeping us scheduled,but in all honesty, I should have planned for more downtime.  Trying to do swim lessons and kid courses at the community college led to an awful lot of running around.  We had a good summer, but it was far too busy.  I still had Relief Society responsibilities I was handling as well.  Next year I definitely won't take on as many activities. 

We took our trip to see Grandma and Grandpa at the end of summer and had a great time.  We got to visit with lots of other family as well. When we got back we got ready for school to start.  

C2-Whirlwind is hitting Junior High this year.  C3-Lawboy is starting at a new elementary school with his sister, Princess Ballerina, because of boundary changes.  I am hoping we will get away from the bully situation we had at the last school.  Still no word on if C5-Trainboy will be able to get into preschool--I'm hoping for the winter break.  We have another evaluation scheduled for him. 

Our sad news--my dear friend Susan, who had fought off breast cancer before she was my counselor in the Relief Society, found out her cancer was back in the spring.  Overall she seemed to be doing well.  She was positive and enthusiastic and we all felt she was beating it.  She had previously been released as my counselor about a year ago--the previous fall.  We felt it was too much stress and she needed a lighter assignment.  After some discussion, she took on our Relief Society newsletter.  She was getting treatments, taking vitamin C shots and really seemed to be doing well.  I talked with her in September when she called to ask for a little time off from the newsletter.  She was just too tired right now, but she wanted to do it again when she felt better. I shared some good news with her at that time.  

For the next few weeks I thought about her a lot and tried to call, leaving many messages.  I'd like to say I sent her cards-I thought about it, but I didn't--just the messages.   I knew she needed rest, so I didn't want to push it. I finally got a hold of her husband and when I learned just how sick she was, I convinced him to let us come in and help with things until Susan could get better.  

The next morning I got a terrible phone call that Susan had passed early that morning.  

The world has lost an angel in Susan.  She was a faithful woman of God who wanted to serve others until the very end.  

*******

The good (in fact wonderful and amazing!) news I shared with her was a big surprise and total shock to us.  Not many weeks after we got back from vacation I was feeling rather poorly myself. I thought it was an early bout of the flu.  Just to be sure I took my last remaining pregnancy test.  (I hate throwing things away and I hadn't found anyone to give it to yet and I always bought multi-packs because they are cheaper.)  I was completely shocked when it came back positive.  I was also slightly panicked that I had  given my baby things away!   

I've just had my sixteen week checkup and I'm cautiously optimistic.  I'm ready to tell people now (hence the post), but I know we still have a long road ahead.  Before now, only a handful of people knew.  

*******

Susan was so happy for us.  She knew how hard my last miscarriage had hit me, and she was so supportive.   She told me she hoped everything would go well.  I know she was praying for us.  

I still cry when I talk about this.  It's all still too recent.  I miss her wonderful laugh and sense of humor.  I miss her smile.  I am grateful for all she taught me and helped me with as I was finding my feet in my calling.  I am grateful Heavenly Father allowed our paths to cross.  

I believe in the Plan of Salvation--that Heavenly Father provided a way for us through his Son, Jesus Christ, that we may all return to them if we come unto Christ and repent of our sins.  I'm pretty sure Susan did exactly that and is in heaven.  I hope I can live a worthy life and one day get to heaven too and greet our loved ones-friends and family alike.  I look forward to seeing Susan there.

********

As Relief Society president and Susan's friend,I had the privilege of helping prepare for body for her funeral. It was an experience that I will cherish.

 

Difficult Year Part III

To our great joy, a couple of months after I was called as Relief Society President we found out I was pregnant again.  We were so thrilled beyond imagining.  If you recall from my other post, almost a year prior I had an ectopic pregnancy in which I lost my right tube.  Because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy, the doctors ran labs to ensure my hormone levels were rising appropriately and at 8 weeks I had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was in the right place.  

Everything went great at that first visit.  We saw a good strong heartbeat of our little peanut.  I wasn't all that sick during this pregnancy, but figured that must mean I was having a girl.  I had experienced very little morning sickness with Princess Ballerina.  At my 12 week check-up we were to do the ultrasound study to check the nuchial folds on the baby's neck.  DH was out-of-town again (this time South America), and they asked if a student tech could observe the ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly and I could see her frown. She quickly shut off the sound, and I asked again, "There's no heartbeat again, is there?"  

How could my world come crashing down again so quickly?  

*******

This time seemed harder.  Though I have faith in my Father in Heaven's plan for me, I still wondered, "Why?"  The grief physically hurt.  There were moments when all I could do was just breath.  I had only told a couple of people about this baby.  The last time I had announced we would be having a baby, and just days after losing the baby we went to a nursing home we volunteered at, and I was asked, "How is the pregnant mommy?"  

I had to answer, "Not pregnant anymore."

*******

 

Susan, my counselor in the Relief Society was absolutely wonderful.  She took charge of things going on and let me focus on being home with my other children.  I spent a day or two just crying and sleeping and crying some more--grieving my babies whom I would not get to hold.  

I also did a lot of praying and writing in my journal.  Even though I was suffering in my own way, I still felt Heavenly Father and Jesus' love for me.  

It was through turning to Heavenly Father and our Savior that I made it through that sad time.  I had to keep trusting that they have a better plan for me than I had for myself.  When talking to my sister I told her I didn't feel strong enough to handle this.  She told me, "You are strong enough and Heavenly Father knows it.  He blessed you with strength to handle this.  You just need to find it."  She encouraged me to keep turning to the Lord.  

I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that lift and strengthen.  A hymn, a smile from my sweet child, a note from a dear friend--all these things came just when I needed them.  

My faith that I can do hard things when the Lord is on my side increased.  

I also found that in losing myself in service to others I was able to put perspective on things.  I am not the first, nor the last to have gone through miscarriages. I have also been lucky in that I experienced them after I already had five beautiful children.  It took us a while to become pregnant with C1-Firstborn, and I think that had I experienced loss then it would have been even harder because I wouldn't have known if I would ever be a mother.  

Serving others who have less, who are sick or who are struggling with family situations harder than mine reminded me just how much I do have.  

If you are feeling down or heavy with your own burdens, find someone else you can help.  I promise you it will help you put things into perspective and give you a good feeling to know you've helped someone else.  

It's been a couple of months since our last tragedy and I've been keeping busy with activities for my other children and serving the members of our church congregation.  My parents visited with us briefly and that helped too.   Right after their visit we took a family vacation--something we haven't done in three years.  We badly needed it.  Finally, I've set a goal to run a 5k in the fall.  I run with two other women in the morning and they are a huge boost to me.  

I am grateful for each day that I have with my loved ones.  Each day is a gift and though it is sometimes hard to remember that, I do know it is true.  

Go hug some more people, okay?

Difficult Year Part II

Difficult Year Part II--Dealing with Grief

I left off my last post having found out I had lost our baby after an ectopic pregnancy.  Most likely our baby had Trisomy 18.  This time I had seen our baby move.  I saw the heartbeat.  I loved (love) that baby with all my heart.  

The next day C1 was in a geography bee at school.  I went to cheer him on, but it felt hollow.  It felt like the world should be stopping so I could grieve.  

My husband was across the world in China when I called him from the doctor's office.  Even though there was nothing he could do physically to bring our baby back, he cut his trip short and came home.  He got home on my birthday, which was two days after I found out we had miscarried.  When he walked in through the door I just melted into his arms and sobbed.  

We talked and talked about our options.  In the end we scheduled a  d&c for the following week.  I could not bear the thought of my baby accidentally being flushed down a toilet.  In truth, I was still having trouble accepting I had lost another baby, and so I asked the doctor to check for a heartbeat one more time before they removed the baby.  They checked, put me to sleep and I woke up after everything was done.  

I still cry thinking about it.  

**********

Turning to my Father in Heaven helped me get through the grief.  In my past, I've had experiences where I thought I knew what my family and I should do.  My husband's job was, at one point, going to take him to Florida for over a year.  Rather than commuting, we thought about renting our home out and renting another in Florida.  I kept trying and trying to make it work.  The arrangements kept falling apart.  My dear sister wisely asked me, "Have you prayed about this?"  

In truth I hadn't.  I figured reuniting my family was a good thing.  Eliminating the need for my husband to travel was a good thing.  That's why I pressed forward.  

When I finally humbled myself enough to pray about the matter, we received inspiration that the children and I should stay put.  I didn't understand why, but trusted in our answer.  That year Florida was hit with four hurricanes and where we would have been living would have required us to evacuate at least three times while I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Princess Ballerina.  I would have had to do this with three boys six and under who had (though I didn't know it) autism and one in particular that gets terrified of big storms.  

Though having a traveling husband while I was pregnant had its own challenges, I feel grateful for that experience that showed me in very definite, concrete ways the Lord knows better than I do.  

 Always.  

And I should add that my DH (dear hubby) was always able to get on a plane back home to us before any storm hit.  Blessings indeed.

*********

A month or so after my miscarriage I was met  with our ecclesiastical leader for my temple recommend.  (Everyone is welcome to worship in our chapels--whether you are a member or not--but in order to enter the temple--our holiest buildings--you have to be interviewed by ecclesiastical leaders)  At that time  I was asked if I would accept the call as the next Relief Society president.  In our church we all volunteer to serve.  Where we serve comes through inspiration to those entrusted with the stewardship or "keys" for a given unit.  The Bishop is the head of our local unit (or ward) and he has the responsibility to receive inspiration on where individuals serve.  He has two counselors who help him in decisions and management of the unit.  They (the bishopric) work with other auxiliary leaders.  Those auxiliaries are: High Priests Group and Elders Quorum (the adult male groups), Relief Society (all adult females), Sunday School (gospel instruction for the second hour of church for all individuals over 12), Young Men's (males between 12 and 18), Young Women's  (females between 12 and 18) and Primary (children 18 months to 12 years).  Each group has a presidency (a president and two counselors) who have the responsibilities of helping their designated group.  The presidents (or a counselor if they cannot come) meet with the Bishopric and others in a ward council to discuss the welfare of the members.  The Primary presidency is always composed of females.  

As I mentioned, Relief Society is the women's organization in our church.  My responsibility would be to help look after the physical (temporal) and spiritual needs of the women in the ward.  I would also meet with families who needed assistance and help assess what needs the church could help meet as well as counsel /guide/direct/point them in the right direction to gain skills they could use as well. 

I chose two wonderful women whom I didn't know very well at the time to be my counselors.   Susan and Katie.  Susan had been a Relief Society president in the past and she taught me so much.  Katie was younger than I though still a mother of four. 

The first couple of months that I was Relief Society president, there were three funerals in our ward.  I was able to use my own very personal and very raw experience with grief and the comfort I found in the Lord to help others in their time of need.  Though none of us can understand the suffering the Savior went through in the Garden of Gethsemane, the scriptures teach us:

 Alma 7:12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

My Savior endured unimaginable agony as He made the Atonement , and He did it because He loves me, and so He would understand how to lift and help each of us, and because it was part of our Heavenly Father's plan to help us all return to them someday.  I am grateful for that.   

More tomorrow.