Moving Forward

So now that I'm letting go, I'm ready to move forward. I've posted goals for myself on my fridge so if I am tempted to go sneaking unhealthy food, they are staring me in the face. One of my goals is to tone up and lose some inches around my waist, arms and legs. (I'm not going to focus on the pounds, but I'm hoping to build more muscle mass which weighs more anyway). I have pictures of myself before C5 was born and I was more tone then. I'm using that as motivation. I do not unrealistically expect to get back to my pre-kid size, (the hips are just too darn wide), but I can expect that I will treat myself well and give myself the best chance possible for a long and healthy life.

My good friend D, who recently completed her Personal Trainer certification has been urging me to write down what I eat and how much. I recently read an article where people who held themselves accountable on their blogs for what they ate, lost a lot of inches and pounds.

So in that spirit I'll be trying to record what I eat and how much and I'm putting it out there for all to see so I hold myself more accountable.

I've got to go to the store now since I've finished off both my baby carrots and my baby spinach. I've got an eggplant I plan on roasting for dinner along with some shrimp. \


Wake up time: 7:00 am
Breakfast time 8:30 am 1 whole egg, 1 egg white 3-4 carrot sticks
snacking on 4-5 carrot sticks throughout the morning.
Lunch: 11:40 am 1 c white rice (I know it should be brown, but I have white cooked and on hand!) 1/2 c chicken sauce 1 big handful of baby spinach.
Dinner:

Exercise: Umm, cleaning the house?

Letting Go

I’m writing this with a heavy heart.  I’ve been hoping since the last miscarriage that we’d be able to get pregnant again.  My family doesn’t think I should even try.  They all seem to take the ectopic pregnancy and two miscarriages  as a sign I’m not supposed to have anymore kids.  I haven’t wanted to go there in my thinking.  It is hard not to when despite only having one tube, I still managed to get pregnant.

I know that while I’m overweight, there are no major medical problems.  Until I got sick in November, I was exercising 3-5 times a week and I had started to tone up and lose inches around my waist. 

My husband has traveled a lot this last year, and I’ve got some major responsibilities with my calling at church (We are asked or “called” to serve in various capacities in our church.  It’s all volunteer—no pay.)  I’m the head of our women’s group at church aka ward Relief Society president.  I’ve got two counselors (other women) to help me, but there is a lot to do.  It’s a juggling act at times. 

I have been praying for guidance and the answer I got was to be patient.  That was a hard answer to get because I know that with every passing month, my chances at another successful pregnancy become slimmer.  

I’m not always good at being patient, but I’ve done my best.   I’m waiting and trusting in the Lord’s plan for my family.  I’ve watched good friends and my sister get pregnant, and give birth.  Two of those babies were due around the time mine were due.  Recently I learned that five women at church are pregnant.  One of whom is a good friend of mine, is pregnant with her eighth.  I knew she and her husband had been discussing having just one more child, and now they’re on their way.  

On the other hand, I’ve begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s exciting.  My youngest is almost potty-trained, and next fall he should be in preschool.  I will have a couple of hours in which I can grocery shop or run errands sans kids.  That hasn’t  happened in over a decade.  A year and  a half from now, he will be in kindergarten, and I will have more than a few hours by myself.  I’m starting to look forward to that possibility.  

As each month has passed, I’ve see-sawed back and forth between wanting a new little one, and remembering how much work new babies can be.  I went to a book club group where several ladies were pregnant and of course labor and delivery stories came up.  I remembered how much I hate hospitals after the delivery is over, and how edgy I get when I don’t sleep because of the relentless checking-in that can happen.  

I don’t rest when my babies are in the nursery because after labor I am hyper-alert to certain noises.  Every baby that cries I wake and wonder if it is mine.  I’ve tried sleeping with the babies in the room, but every time one of them makes a noise I wake, sit up and look around to see if the baby is waking up or just making noise.  Finally I learned the last time around (with number five) to keep the baby in the bed with me.  He would make his normal newborn sounds and I would just open my eyes to see if he needed me.  If not I would drift back to my dozing/slumber state.  I was always very cautious (I’ve read and heard too many horror stories to not be), and I am a light sleeper, so I took the necessary precautions to protect both of us, and was able to get some sleep for once.  Still, I didn’t fully rest until I came home from the hospital, and though I’ve talked it through, I still get tense thinking about the post-partum stay because of what happened with my fourth child (a really bad reaction to medications that left me sleepless, hyper and hysterical for three days).  

Then there are the midnight feedings and lack of sleep until the baby is big enough to sleep through the night.  The diaper rashes, thrush, and how much nursing hurts at first until your body is used to letting down your milk.  

Oh, but the sweetness!  Is there anything that smells sweeter than a new baby?  Isn’t rocking one of them to sleep against your shoulder one of the best privileges life has to offer?  And isn’t looking at the miracle in your arms and knowing they are fresh from Heaven one of the most exquisite and humbling experiences you can have?  

I’ve been so torn, but I’m close to 40, and frankly biology is playing a bigger and bigger role in this. 

So I’m letting go.  I'm lettting go of the control.  Frankly, it's not in my hands--it's always been in the Lord's hands.  Sadly I'm also trying to let go of the hope I will get pregnant again.  I’m trying to learn to be content  with the fact I’m not likely to have more children.  I am admitting it is out of my hands.  I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of all the baby clothes just yet, but I’m getting there.  

Today I got rid of the pregnancy tests in the picture.  I’m not sure why I was holding on to them. I guess in some ways they are reminders of the babies I had lost.  In other ways, they are anchors holding me in place—not allowing me to move forward because of their weight.  

So they are gone.  They are in the trashcan at the end of the driveway, and they will be gone for good tomorrow morning.  I plan on selling/donating the car toddler bed that is taking up space in the basement.  The baby clothes I don’t want to hand down will go in their boxes and on racks in the garage and get one step closer to leaving the house.   I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of them, because I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I can put them someplace they don’t take up mental energy. 

I am determined to not take this time with the kids I have for granted.  My oldest still talks to me and likes to do things with me.  The youngest still loves to snuggle.  The rest fall somewhere in-between, and so I’m trying to do more things with my kids. Play more games, read more books, make more crafts together.  They are my gifts from Heaven and they deserve a mom who is fully vested in the present, and not mired in the “I wish” of the past.  

I wish you many moments of joy today.

Recognizing Red Flags for Autism

I've been talking to our pediatrician and we are concerned about some of the red flags we see in C5.  At 3 1/2 he is hyper-good at puzzles  (More than 100 pieces).  He also likes doing the same puzzle over and over again, and he even seems to have an order he likes to work the puzzle in.  He lines up his Hotwheels and Matchbox cars.  He has also lost some of his foods he will eat.  He gets melts down a lot--especially when he sees foods he doesn't like.  He has texture issues with his hands and clothing, and I see what I think are stimming behaviors.   

C5 also does mostly parallel play, and I see him have a hard time with imaginative play. 

We've decided to get him evaluated at the same medical facility who diagnosed his older brother, C3, as having ADHD.  This center is attached to a nationally known hospital and they have a division that works specifically with children and their growing brains.  

I want to determine if he is indeed on the autism spectrum like I suspect he is, and what I might do to help him so he doesn't fall behind. 

I ran a 5k!

I ran my 5k race!  I hit my goal time which is very good for me.  I didn't run constantly, but did the walk, run, walk, run thing. 

I feel good.  I look forward to running again next year!

Difficult Year Part III

To our great joy, a couple of months after I was called as Relief Society President we found out I was pregnant again.  We were so thrilled beyond imagining.  If you recall from my other post, almost a year prior I had an ectopic pregnancy in which I lost my right tube.  Because of my history with an ectopic pregnancy, the doctors ran labs to ensure my hormone levels were rising appropriately and at 8 weeks I had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was in the right place.  

Everything went great at that first visit.  We saw a good strong heartbeat of our little peanut.  I wasn't all that sick during this pregnancy, but figured that must mean I was having a girl.  I had experienced very little morning sickness with Princess Ballerina.  At my 12 week check-up we were to do the ultrasound study to check the nuchial folds on the baby's neck.  DH was out-of-town again (this time South America), and they asked if a student tech could observe the ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly and I could see her frown. She quickly shut off the sound, and I asked again, "There's no heartbeat again, is there?"  

How could my world come crashing down again so quickly?  

*******

This time seemed harder.  Though I have faith in my Father in Heaven's plan for me, I still wondered, "Why?"  The grief physically hurt.  There were moments when all I could do was just breath.  I had only told a couple of people about this baby.  The last time I had announced we would be having a baby, and just days after losing the baby we went to a nursing home we volunteered at, and I was asked, "How is the pregnant mommy?"  

I had to answer, "Not pregnant anymore."

*******

 

Susan, my counselor in the Relief Society was absolutely wonderful.  She took charge of things going on and let me focus on being home with my other children.  I spent a day or two just crying and sleeping and crying some more--grieving my babies whom I would not get to hold.  

I also did a lot of praying and writing in my journal.  Even though I was suffering in my own way, I still felt Heavenly Father and Jesus' love for me.  

It was through turning to Heavenly Father and our Savior that I made it through that sad time.  I had to keep trusting that they have a better plan for me than I had for myself.  When talking to my sister I told her I didn't feel strong enough to handle this.  She told me, "You are strong enough and Heavenly Father knows it.  He blessed you with strength to handle this.  You just need to find it."  She encouraged me to keep turning to the Lord.  

I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that lift and strengthen.  A hymn, a smile from my sweet child, a note from a dear friend--all these things came just when I needed them.  

My faith that I can do hard things when the Lord is on my side increased.  

I also found that in losing myself in service to others I was able to put perspective on things.  I am not the first, nor the last to have gone through miscarriages. I have also been lucky in that I experienced them after I already had five beautiful children.  It took us a while to become pregnant with C1-Firstborn, and I think that had I experienced loss then it would have been even harder because I wouldn't have known if I would ever be a mother.  

Serving others who have less, who are sick or who are struggling with family situations harder than mine reminded me just how much I do have.  

If you are feeling down or heavy with your own burdens, find someone else you can help.  I promise you it will help you put things into perspective and give you a good feeling to know you've helped someone else.  

It's been a couple of months since our last tragedy and I've been keeping busy with activities for my other children and serving the members of our church congregation.  My parents visited with us briefly and that helped too.   Right after their visit we took a family vacation--something we haven't done in three years.  We badly needed it.  Finally, I've set a goal to run a 5k in the fall.  I run with two other women in the morning and they are a huge boost to me.  

I am grateful for each day that I have with my loved ones.  Each day is a gift and though it is sometimes hard to remember that, I do know it is true.  

Go hug some more people, okay?

Difficult Year Part II

Difficult Year Part II--Dealing with Grief

I left off my last post having found out I had lost our baby after an ectopic pregnancy.  Most likely our baby had Trisomy 18.  This time I had seen our baby move.  I saw the heartbeat.  I loved (love) that baby with all my heart.  

The next day C1 was in a geography bee at school.  I went to cheer him on, but it felt hollow.  It felt like the world should be stopping so I could grieve.  

My husband was across the world in China when I called him from the doctor's office.  Even though there was nothing he could do physically to bring our baby back, he cut his trip short and came home.  He got home on my birthday, which was two days after I found out we had miscarried.  When he walked in through the door I just melted into his arms and sobbed.  

We talked and talked about our options.  In the end we scheduled a  d&c for the following week.  I could not bear the thought of my baby accidentally being flushed down a toilet.  In truth, I was still having trouble accepting I had lost another baby, and so I asked the doctor to check for a heartbeat one more time before they removed the baby.  They checked, put me to sleep and I woke up after everything was done.  

I still cry thinking about it.  

**********

Turning to my Father in Heaven helped me get through the grief.  In my past, I've had experiences where I thought I knew what my family and I should do.  My husband's job was, at one point, going to take him to Florida for over a year.  Rather than commuting, we thought about renting our home out and renting another in Florida.  I kept trying and trying to make it work.  The arrangements kept falling apart.  My dear sister wisely asked me, "Have you prayed about this?"  

In truth I hadn't.  I figured reuniting my family was a good thing.  Eliminating the need for my husband to travel was a good thing.  That's why I pressed forward.  

When I finally humbled myself enough to pray about the matter, we received inspiration that the children and I should stay put.  I didn't understand why, but trusted in our answer.  That year Florida was hit with four hurricanes and where we would have been living would have required us to evacuate at least three times while I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Princess Ballerina.  I would have had to do this with three boys six and under who had (though I didn't know it) autism and one in particular that gets terrified of big storms.  

Though having a traveling husband while I was pregnant had its own challenges, I feel grateful for that experience that showed me in very definite, concrete ways the Lord knows better than I do.  

 Always.  

And I should add that my DH (dear hubby) was always able to get on a plane back home to us before any storm hit.  Blessings indeed.

*********

A month or so after my miscarriage I was met  with our ecclesiastical leader for my temple recommend.  (Everyone is welcome to worship in our chapels--whether you are a member or not--but in order to enter the temple--our holiest buildings--you have to be interviewed by ecclesiastical leaders)  At that time  I was asked if I would accept the call as the next Relief Society president.  In our church we all volunteer to serve.  Where we serve comes through inspiration to those entrusted with the stewardship or "keys" for a given unit.  The Bishop is the head of our local unit (or ward) and he has the responsibility to receive inspiration on where individuals serve.  He has two counselors who help him in decisions and management of the unit.  They (the bishopric) work with other auxiliary leaders.  Those auxiliaries are: High Priests Group and Elders Quorum (the adult male groups), Relief Society (all adult females), Sunday School (gospel instruction for the second hour of church for all individuals over 12), Young Men's (males between 12 and 18), Young Women's  (females between 12 and 18) and Primary (children 18 months to 12 years).  Each group has a presidency (a president and two counselors) who have the responsibilities of helping their designated group.  The presidents (or a counselor if they cannot come) meet with the Bishopric and others in a ward council to discuss the welfare of the members.  The Primary presidency is always composed of females.  

As I mentioned, Relief Society is the women's organization in our church.  My responsibility would be to help look after the physical (temporal) and spiritual needs of the women in the ward.  I would also meet with families who needed assistance and help assess what needs the church could help meet as well as counsel /guide/direct/point them in the right direction to gain skills they could use as well. 

I chose two wonderful women whom I didn't know very well at the time to be my counselors.   Susan and Katie.  Susan had been a Relief Society president in the past and she taught me so much.  Katie was younger than I though still a mother of four. 

The first couple of months that I was Relief Society president, there were three funerals in our ward.  I was able to use my own very personal and very raw experience with grief and the comfort I found in the Lord to help others in their time of need.  Though none of us can understand the suffering the Savior went through in the Garden of Gethsemane, the scriptures teach us:

 Alma 7:12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

My Savior endured unimaginable agony as He made the Atonement , and He did it because He loves me, and so He would understand how to lift and help each of us, and because it was part of our Heavenly Father's plan to help us all return to them someday.  I am grateful for that.   

More tomorrow.