Things You Should Never Have to Say to Your Children (But I Have Actually Said to Them)

No, I'm sorry, but you cannot have a pet dolphin.

Don't lick your brother.

(To an 11 year old) stop biting the couch.

Do not stand on your brother's face.

In what world was it a good idea to karate kick the banister spindle?

(To a 12 year old) Why didn't you lift the lid to the toilet seat before you threw up in it? (It rebounded off the lid and onto EVERY surface).

How am I responsible for you losing.... ? (Fill in the blank with homework, music, scout shirt, Legos, etc.)

(To an 11 year old) Did you really just bite your brother on the behind?

You need to go trick-or-treating.

No, I'm sorry, you cannot have a pet wolf.

No, it is not a vacation every time I sit down to feed the baby. (To which the 11-year-old replies, "I guess I'll never understand women.")

Stop reading your book and... (Fill in the blank).

Don't pour dish soap on the carpet!

Why did you think it was a good idea to bounce a golf ball against the wall?

I am not a jungle gym, please stop climbing on me.

No, I'm sorry, you may not have a pet owl.

Please try the chocolate ice cream.